Shaking Hands with Savages

Indie. Passion. Art. Music.

Savage Cinema: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D [Review]

Me after Watching this movie

This movie will want to make you tackle a horse.

Okay two warnings before we get started here. A). If you don’t like four letter words that aren’t love, hugs, or kiss then you shouldn’t read this. B). This review contains*SPOILERS *or what I like to call “time savers” trust me. Okay, since we are clear on those two  warnings. For fuck’s sake studios! Can’t you just let something die a miserable, shameful death without dragging the corpse out of its fresh grave and fucking it in front of its family? The first time around was not half bad, and in this case I’m referring to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake; it was one of the few movies that Micheal Bay was involved in that contained zero explosions (unless you want to count that chick’s suicide in the beginning). Anyway, that movie kept in the spirit the original film; it was ugly, gritty, and realistic, I dug it.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning was over done, gross, and boring; it was a step down from the remake, but even  it wasn’t  the horrid bloated corpse festering in a cesspool that this film is. Like…I don’t even want my money back I just want my time, seriously, you can keep the dollars… I’m sorry this film literally took one of the most precious resources we have as human beings away from me, and to say it saddens me wouldn’t even be in the same league as an understatement right now.

To be honest I was just going to write a list of everything wrong with this movie and call it a day, but I didn’t want to be accused of the  same level of laziness that was present during the production of this film. I chalk this movie being such a cluster fuck of fail on two factors: money and apathy. They were looking to make a quick buck, and it was written all over this  scrotal abscess of a film. If celluloid could talk this film was screaming as it was being played on projectors throughout the world.  So, enough hyperbole let’s get in to the logistics of this documented cataclysm.

The story goes something like this. The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre took place in 1974 and after the credits roll on that film this is the film that comes up afterward. This is in fact a direct sequel to the 1974 film. So, The Sawyer Clan aka Leatherface’s kinfolk have been discovered as harboring a bit of a secret (murder, cannibalism, incest, and  bad table manners). And the people of Newt, Texas aren’t going to stand for it; lucky for the Sawyer Clan good guy Sheriff Hooper truly wants justice to be served in a court of law, but bad old Mayor Hartman want to see the savages burn for their indiscretions via old school vigilante justice, so he does just that. And before you can say, “secede from the union,” Molotov cocktails and gunshots litter the air, as sawyer after sawyer is gunned down in cold-blooded murder: a true travesty.

All except three  are killed: Loretta Sawyer (who gets a swift boot to the face via Gavin Miller) Verna Carson (Loretta’s mom), and little Heather Sawyer.  After the aforementioned boot to the face, Gavin Miller  with his wife basically kidnap/adopt Heather right from her dead mother’s hands, and so begins the story. One Day after work Heather(she’s a butcher, get it because her family… never-mind) is notified that her grandmother has passed away and she has left an inheritance to her. In movie land this all translates into road trip to Texas!!! So, Heather, her skanky best friend,  Tray Songz, corpse 1,  and corpse 2  tag along for the journey.  And to clear up any confusion, corpse 1 tags along after being hit by the group’s van at a gas station; he seemed like a decent non-suspicious hitchhiker.

So why am I so pissed?  The director, the writers,  and the producers do not give a shit about horror movies or audiences in general. Let’s get a little nit picky here; the lead actress portraying Heather is easily in her early to mid twenties( just turned 27). “What’s wrong with that,” you ask? Well, maybe the fact that even if the original had taken place in 1979 (which it doesn’t try 1974) at the latest  infant Heather would be in her mid-thirties. Anachronisms don’t usually destroy movies, but in this case holy shit. The sheriff who was let’s say in his thirties at the time of the original, would and should be retired and same goes for the mayor. Is This the fucking town where time stood still? Does this  movie take place in a singularity? No it doesn’t, so how did the writers remedy this situation ? Easy, chop of the sheriffs hair off and give the mayor a hat: problem solved . Leatherface looks sorta old, but this guy would be in his late sixties by now, and you are telling me he would not only be able to fucking jog around with a fifteen pound chainsaw, throw it 20 feet at a police officer, and run off afterward like Usain Bolt.  I am supposed to ignore that right? Maybe somebody with alcohol poisoning could overlook these issues but I can’t.  I can only suspend my disbelief so far and right now my ‘belief’ looks like a piece of gum stretched from New York to San Francisco.

There are so many other issues as well. I mean, what kind of Sheriff allows a cannibalistic, chainsaw murderer off with less than a slap on the wrist? He literally tells Leatherface and Heather to, “clean this shit up.” And by shit I mean the remains of the mayor after Leatherface throws him into a meat grinder. Justice is served, maybe? The film tries to insert the “misunderstood monster” trope into the film, but it just doesn’t fit here. Are we really supposed to overlook the fact that this family willingly treated people like cows? Sorry guys but the morality schtick isn’t going to work  this time.

The acting was to be as expected all of the characters are about as developed as a  1 week old fetus. You literally won’t give a second thought about any of them being mercilessly slaughtered, which should not be the default for all horror movies, because if you look at the most effective films, they make you give a shit about the characters so that their peril and plight almost seemingly becomes yours. The cinematography was weak; there was no grit or grime or dirtiness to the film it was way too overproduced and glossy looking, especially when considering the remake and the original’s grimy camera  filters.

Sorry kids, this is the part  where I tell you not every cloud has a silver lining, and in this case not every movie has a redeeming quality.Even gorehounds will end up uninspired and disappointed with this film. Though the  phrase get thrown around way too much these days; however in this case it feels warranted .TCM 3D is easily the worst film that I have seen  to date, especially when you consider the budget, the pedigree, and just the sheer fucking laziness of all involved this film. And yes I have sat through Birdemic, Troll 2 , Hobgoblins, The Room, and many more cinematic atrocities, yet none can hold a candle to this pile useless pile of cinematic excrement . Wait, maybe there is a silver lining to this whole affair after all.  This film should serve as a cautionary tale to everyone, a thing is only as good as the amount of effort put into making it. Minimal effort should and will net you a substandard product (take note Ke$ha). Also when you are feeling down remember; nothing you do in this life will suck as badly as this movie does. So, I made a list of  10 things that you should do instead of watching this movie in lieu of a post script. There you go I just saved you an hour and a half,  plus a few dollars.

Overall Score: 0.5/5

Dear makers of this film I can’t even begin to tell you how much misfortune i hope you suffer for this.
— The Audience.

10 Things to do Other than Watch this Movie

1). Watch the original or the remake
2). Fly a kite
3). Plant a tree
4). Buy a ferret
5). Call your parents and tell them you love them
6). Frost a cake with Mayonnaise and give it to a friend
7). Go to a Civil War Re-enactment where the North loses
8). Follow me on Twitter or Facebook (shameless plug)
9). Watch the full back catalog of Dane Cook’s stand up
10). Sleep


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This entry was posted on June 1, 2013 by in Movie Review and tagged , , , , .


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